People often wonder how I can just be for myself so often. I understand that they do. I think the reasons are that I moved around a lot in my childhood and grew up in an environment that was very loud, violent, chaotic and also affected by addictions. There was never peace and I was often jolted out of sleep by screams and gunshots. I never had „safe“ ground under my feet, I did not know if tomorrow I would still live in this country or not. As my environment was, so was I, I was loud, aggressive and inside me there was chaos. I felt trapped in my life, honestly, I was also suicidal. With this chaos I had accordingly also chaotic, unstable and toxic relationships, logically, because it was not tidy inside of me. A vicious circle.
Now that I have a quiet home, where I am free and safe, I just enjoy my peace and my own company. I do not want to associate living with people automatically with problems and discord, but unfortunately I have not known it any other way, but I am working on myself.
I do not want to go into detail with these stories. Honestly, I don’t like to talk about it, but if I write about it, it’s okay (since no curious questions and eyes demand something from me). I know it’s important to talk about these things, but I’m tired of having to explain a life that is probably not considered „normal“. I felt very old very early in my life and accordingly I am tired. I hope that maybe you can understand me better so, and even if not, those who know me, know, then I do not care either, just do not disturb my peace, which I finally have and I have worked for with all my might. Just don’t take it personally if I just want to be by myself or say „I’m going home now“ because this home, what I have now, was my biggest desire.
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